The greatest of these is Love...

Reflections of Me...

2009-12-10T18:20:00.003-05:00

Since I started my seizure blog I haven't written on this blog much. Perhaps, I lost touch with who I am amidst my illness. I was rereading some of my entries and I was remembering events that were occuring in my life and I'm reconnecting with myself and my Savior. It's amazing how that happens. I forgot how much I love to blog and how much it helps me to understand the things I'm going through. I'm moderately impressed with myself and the crazy ideas I come up with sometimes. It's fun to relfect. I'm always amazed when I'm given the chance to meet myself. Sounds like an odd concept, right? I can't shake my own hand, I never leave my self so it's not an actually meeting, but a simple song, picture, and yes, blog entry can transport me to another place in time-- another me. And all over again, I meet myself. I remember the person I was, the person I sought to become, my desires, my dreams, my goals, and I see how much my trials and tribulations have changed me. Months and months of illness changes a person. Doctor visits after doctor visits and relentless seizures leave little pieces of myself shattered. I'm on a grand journey to piece them back together, to find me. As life goes on we expereience different stages and every person, event, and consequence shapes who we are and who we will become. It's a matter of sorting through all the stages to learn what works and doesn't. That's what blogging helps me with. It helps me recognize who I was, who I am, and all the ideas of who I will become. Ahh... journaling is a wonderful thing! :)

Signing Off,

Shelby Sexson

Hope.

2009-08-07T12:37:00.001-04:00

I’ve often thought to myself, if these are the best years of my life, I fret to think of the worst. Seventeen. A magical age. Old enough to know better but still too young to care. Just beyond awkward bodily changes yet still waiting on the doorstep of adulthood; waiting for that day when eighteen opens the door and ushers me into a world of big dreams and endless possibilities. Seventeen. A beautiful time. When I was a little girl that was my picture of seventeen. My reality, I’ve found, is something far different. Something far more beautiful, far more challenging, far more intriguing, more difficult, more painful, more dependant, more amazing. My seventeen has been a revolving door of hospital stays, lonely cold waiting rooms, warm friendly nurses, and tiresome long journeys leading to the same thing every time: baffled doctors. My seventeen has defied medical rationale. My seventeen has been months and months of endless pokes, pricks, prods, and tests, still, with no answers. My seventeen has been giving up childhood dreams to pursue practical realities. My seventeen has made me strong. My seventeen has made life-altering changes for me, without my consent, of course. My seventeen has changed my paradigm of hope. Hope is no longer that this test will come back positive or this one negative, hope is no longer going a day without a seizure, hope is no longer praying that this is the last doctor, the last test, the last illness. Hope is standing in the parking lot of Target with my mom and looking up at a beautiful double rainbow after a huge storm. Hope is my little sister’s face looking up at me; green eyes a glow, saying, “Shelby, do you have dum (gum)??” Hope is laying in bed on rainy days watching Saved by The Bell re-runs for hours. Hope is my favorite song playing on the radio twice in a row. Hope is the man who has bent of over backwards to protect my education. Hope is a day at the flea market with my family. Hope is my best friend’s belly getting bigger and bigger as we wait for that precious day to come! Hope is a black bean taco, no onions, no black olives, with a side of caso from Tijuana Flats. Hope is my little brother asking “why?” at the end of every one of my sentences. Hope is the baby kitten I got from a lady in the parking lot at Publix. Hope is taking eight baths and watching Paula Dean in my hotel room at cheer camp because I was too sick to leave my room. Hope is playing “I’d Love You If…” on repeat for hours. It’s true; I’ve stopped hoping they’ll find what’s wrong with me and I’ve stopped hoping that I’ll get better. My seventeen has taught me what hope truly is. I have a new hope. Every day.

In Christ Alone...

2009-04-21T22:03:00.003-04:00

I feel compelled to share my testimony with everyone. Lately God has been teaching me a few things. First of all, illnesses are an assignment to go deeper into ourselves and truly heal not a time to question and mourn. Second, His passion for us is far greater than anyone can ever fathom here on this Earth. Third of all, He is still performing miracles today and I am a one of them-- you are too. Fourth, He is the source of all peace, all strength, and all hope. And lastly, as things change and situations become more intense my faith is not in world or in the situation but in Christ alone. Be blessed.

Signing Off,
Shelby

2009-04-19T20:52:00.001-04:00

God is in control. Be blessed.

Signing Off,
Shelby

Absolutely!

2009-03-30T19:28:00.002-04:00

I have come to the conclusion, through much studying and deep contemplation, that nothing exists in reality. A book is a book, yes? But why? Simply because we perceive it to be a book but can you truly prove that a book absolutely exists? If a book is completely out of sight(cameras, trick mirrors, etc. excluded) does it still exist? It cannot be proved. So, perhaps, it 'stops' existing. It's back to the whole if a tree falls in the middle of a forrest and no one is there to perceive the sound... does it make a sound at all? No one will ever know. Thus, I question... are there ANY percievable absolutes in life? Can a man every truly know that a child is his? DNA tests are fairly accurate but 99.9% still leaves a .1% room for error. Can a mother truly know that a child is hers? Hospital mix ups are ever so common these days the child you've raised since birth could be of no biological connection to you. Nothing is an absolute. Rightfully so. If there were any absolutes in life there would be no need for faith and if there were no faith would there be need for a God in which to have faith? I'll answer for you, NO; however, there IS a need for a God thus there is a need for faith thus there is NO NEED for absolutes. But if life does not exist in reality and nothing is real then what is this thing called life that we 'live'. Life is ultimately a detailed representation of the thoughts in the mind of God. I know that sounds confusing but this 'life' we are 'living' only exists in the God's mind. We are merely a figment of His grand imagination and what a blessing it is to be apart of such a dream. He is the author of a grand story and we have only a set amount of time to be apart of the lesson. When He is finished using our character to tell a story He writes us out of the story and into eternity. What a beautiful thing. Life is unpredicatble and that's what makes it so incredibly amazing. And the beauty of Faith in God is that there IS one abslute-- tomorrow. When people say 'tomorrow isn't promised' I tend to cringe. I know for me whether on this Earth or in Heaven tomorrow is promised for me. Tomorrow is the one absolute in the mind of God. Be blessed.

Signing off,
Shelby

Simple Things in Life

2009-03-26T16:00:00.003-04:00

"Life is simply, what you make it."

There are three basic colors, seven basic music notes, and ten basic numbers what you DO with them defines you. The building blocks of life are an absolute. They are the same for all people regardless of circumstances, history, or parenting and so forth. It is all a matter of what you do with those basics. You can pout and cry that you only have three colors or you can mix around and make purple, orange, yellow... or wine, tangerine, and sunburt, or gray, off gray, and dark gray. It's all about what you do, what you mix, and how you see it. Life is unpredictable. Life is a canvas. Life is open for interpretation. Life is full of endless possibilities. Life IS what you make it. As cliche as that sounds, it is so true. If you don't like the colors you've mixed... add a little yellow. Squirt a dash of blue. Dabble a little green. Paint a new picture. Try a new brush stroke. I know I have a painfully humanistic perspective on life and humanity but I truly believe the best in people, that we were made for good, that we can change our circumstances that we can better ourselves. We are not helpless. We are not alone. I challenge you... Paint a new picture. :)

Signing Off,

Shelby

My Soap Box

2009-03-19T19:12:00.003-04:00

Nothing upsets me more than selfish people. People who completely alter the lives of everyone around them with the choices THEY make, not choices forced upon them, and then demand self pity. It is impossible to deny that every choice you make effects EVERYONE around you. And, honestly, that sucks. I know I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be but at least I think about those around me before I make decisions. You never do anything completely alone. My life's mission statement starts out, "We are part of a bigger story..." and I try my hardest to live my life through that perspective. Sometimes the approach fails and when I hurt someone with MY actions it is my first priority to drop my feelings and apologize. Not deny those I have hurt, play dumb, and drop all personal responsibility. Which brings me to my next item: PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. We reach a point, around age 3-5 according to Erikson, when we learn to separate our actions from the actions of others. Around the age of 10 we learn to take responsibility for our actions. I spilled the milk. It was my fault. I will help clean it up. I cannot stand people that believe: I spilled the milk. My sister made me do it. It's her fault. Personal responsibility is an epic component of maturation. If a person cannot take personal responsibility for their actions they are of the equivalent of a three year old in maturity. People who continually hurt those around them yet take no responsibility for the mess they cause have no respect from me. The true hero, in my eyes, are those who stay and love without end never once complaining. The mother who fights the biggest battles of her life because she loves her daughter more than own happiness... or sanity for that matter. The father that cares enough to stay around and be a father, after all, nothing but a father's love kept him there. The friends, family, and strangers who stick around because they see potential, they see love, and see a future. Those are the real heroes. Be blessed.

Signing Off,

Shelby

2009-02-22T21:44:00.002-05:00

"(S)he who writes NEVER dies. "

God has a sense of humor, of this, I am confident. Whether it be giving you someone who makes you see everything you’ve ever known in a completely different light, or an unexpected little ‘surprise’ conceived of spontaneity and teenage rebellion but created to redefine Agape love and the lives of so many, or giving you the most life changing epiphany in the midst of confusion and insecurity, or allowing you the wisdom to accept the ‘real world’ is just around the corner… He certainly has a sense of humor. I am learning this week, a midst all these things which occurred, to trust that the Lord has a divine plan for my existence and I am far more than just a wondering being on this Earth. At times I feel as though I have no option but to throw my hands up and surrender when all the while that is exactly what God has been calling me to do. I just haven’t been answering that call. At the heart of these life lessons, though difficult and beautiful all in the same moment, I am learning to trust in the Lord more now than ever. I have always been a firm believer in Proverbs 3:5, actually, my mom has virtually baptized me in Its wisdom, repeating every time I encounter strife, since I was just a little girl. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart…” I have always known this to be true and I have always followed this command religiously (no pun intended! Ha.) but recently the Lord is revealing to me what it truly means to TRUST Him without falter. I must profess, I cannot do it on my own and being a person created by God with the innate quality of “control-everything-and-everyone-until-the-end-of-time-itis”, I am finding an incredible peace showering over me, in mind and in body, as I rest in the Glory of God and recognize that HE is in control. What a blessing, eh? Of all the responsibilities I have in life and all the things I am in ‘charge’ of it is a beautiful thing to know the Lord is in charge of my life! But the second part I’m having some trouble with, “…and lead not into your own understanding.” I have a difficult time doing anything in live that cannot answer the question ‘why’? I am convinced that learning something with absolutely no practical application is a null and void area of concern. I, simply, refuse to waste the cerebral activity on things of which I have no ultimate understanding. I have deduced that my problem is when I cannot see the ‘bigger picture’ I have difficult time accepting the minor brush strokes. I want to know the reason WHY God has done the things He has done (not that I ever doubt He knows best) and if I cannot know the reason why I begin to fabricate my own understanding to appease my restless soul. And that, my friend, is ‘leading into (my) own understanding’. It is a work in progress. God and I are continuously growing closer together as I am learning to dissolve more of me and exude more of Him and His divine Word. Easier said than done, I am sure, but I was never promised an easy ride; however, I was promised an eternity with my Lord and Savior and I was promised a plan for my life in His image, thus, I carry on trusting in Him and HIS, not Shelby’s, understanding. Be blessed.

Ps.My introductory quotes generally act as a thesis and segue into the topic of which I am going to write. This quote being of no exception; however, I foresee some having a difficulty recognizing the correlation as it has personal significance. My blog serves to aid in the synthesis and comprehension of my own thoughts in order to fashion a solution or even a simple raison d'être sometimes! Thus, when I write about my faith and my revelations from the Lord I am solidifying my unpredictable journey to Heaven. The relation being, as I write I am bringing myself one step closer to eternity. Not that I will write my way into Heaven rather understand and follow the journey there. I hope that made sense. If not, I’m sure it did to God… he makes great SENSE of things.

Face The Day

2009-02-04T19:24:00.002-05:00

Horace so brilliantly stated in his poem many years ago, Carpe Diem, or as we commonly know it, Sieze the Day. He was obviously meaning make the most of your life right where you are, in this moment, for time is constatnly fleeting. But what about those times when it's a struggle just to get out of bed in the mornings? On those days, much like today, when it's hard to even smile, Horace is prompting me to seize the day? Really? It seems like such a task to make the most of days like today when I can barely find a reason for getting out of bed. If you haven't already gathered I'm feeling pretty bleh these days. No particular thing just accumulation CRAP. I apologize for those of you who look to my blog for joy and happiness... that is not the true intent of my blog. The true intent is to organize my thoughts and display my ideas as they are in reality. And in reality we all have bad days, I am only human, and thus am no exception. So this is me... being real. I hope you can find inspiration in this entry as well. Hopefully, tomorrow I will be back to my cheery self but as for today... I am yehhlk. For those of you having a splendid day, congrats. Carpe diem! And for those like me, having a bleh week, Carpe diem cras (sieze the day... tomorrow!!!) and as for today... let's just work on FACING THE DAY!!! I'm going to make a list of the (little) beautiful things I missed today... I'll pay extra attention tomorrow and love them.

1.) The weather was lovely... a little chilly... but I'll wear a pretty scarff tomorrow.

2.) I got to spend time with my second graders today.

3.) I heard three of my favorite songs in a row today on the Z.

4.) I visited the Library at my old Elementary School today.

5.) I, for the first time, LOVED my timed write prompt.

6.) I have bagel bites waiting in my Fridge.

7.) I'm getting ready to take a bubble bath and have some hot tea.

8.) I'm feeling better already!

Be blessed.

Signing Off,

Shelby

Think.

2009-02-02T17:11:00.002-05:00

It kills me how some people can be so blind. How some people can just completely miss how much their choices, their decisions, and their actions effect everyone around them. The impact of a word, a sentence, a choice, can last a life time. Think before you act. Not about the repercussions you will face but the impact you will have on those around you. Think. Be blessed.

Signing Off,
Shelby

?

2009-01-23T20:25:00.003-05:00

"Look. Close your eyes, but keep your mind wide open." -Bridge to Terabithia

What if we could see the world through different eyes? What if we could see ourselves through the eyes of those around us? Would it change the way we think of ourselves? The way we live our lives? The company we keep? The morals we follow? What if we could see the world through the eyes of our creator? Would it be unique perfection? Or random, beautiful, chaos? What if we saw the world through the eyes of a blind man? Would we dream in sound? Or perhaps Braille? Would the visions in our minds be composed simply of emotions? If you could not see could you still love? If you could choose to see your life in its entirety the moment before death, would you? Would it be too late? Given the opportunity, would you go back in time and change something? Is there really something more than what meets the eye? Can you judge a book by its cover? Does love at first sight really exist? Does love really exist at all? Or is it just a 'thing' created by humans to explain what is unknown? Is technology really helping mankind? Or is it sucking us further and further away from humanity? Who is God? And why did he choose you? Why did he put you right where you are? Why does is His love so unconditional? Why did He give us free will? And why does He continue to love us when we abuse this gift? Is the sky really the limit? Can you truly put limits on something? Does nothing really exist? Isn't nothing something? Is there really an answerable question? Do we hold all the secrets of the universe in our minds and loose it at birth? Can we regain this knowledge through an open mind? Or an open heart? Are the eyes the window to the soul? What is the soul? Does it die with the body? Or continue to live on in the after life? Do animals have souls? Do animals have feelings? Do Earth bound spirits exist? Are the dead walking among us? Is there an alternate universe directly on top of us? Can we get there? If we believe? Can you touch faith? Can you smell the color blue? Can you taste the number nine? Can you touch a sneeze? Be blessed.

Signing Off,

Shelby

Children

2009-01-20T16:33:00.003-05:00

This week I started working in a second grade classroom and I must say it feels positively wonderful to be regarded as a goddess for an hour of my day. For the first five minutes I spent in the room I could feel twenty pair of little eyes fixed upon my every move but when I turned to make eye contact they bashfully gazed away. But the moment I turned away I could feel the eyes burning right through me once again. It was charming, bashful, innocents in its purist form. I am so thrilled to have been assigned to second graders. They are the perfect age... I don't have to do everything for them but I'm still finding so much to learn from the little sly innocent comments uttered from their little worlds of bliss. I had to wear my Cheerleading uniform the first day and the little girls were absolutely fascinated. One little girl was so impressed she asked me in her precious little eight year old voice, "Did you know I have ALWAYS wanted to be REAL, live, cheerleader?" Emphasis on the ALWAYS and the REAL. It absolutely made my day. One little boy tried to convince me that 'knee' was pronounced 'kneen' and that there, indeed, was an 'n' on the end of it. After much convincing and even the proof in his word book (a miniature dictionary all the children have) he finally agreed with me and smiled the biggest smile. He and I had a quick laugh and he said 'thank you' and made his way back to his seat. I am so amazed by the perseverance the children have. One little boy redid the same problem three times with the best attitude. He told me he wasn't going to stop until he got it right. And he stuck to his word, he got it right. He learned from his mistake. I made sure to take notes from his attitude. It is so refreshing to see these little beings so uninhibited and untouched by the world. To them, everything is a wonder, anything is possible. I am hoping that through this experience a little of that bliss will rub off on me! Be blessed.

Signing Off,
Shelby

Stumbling Blocks & Stepping Stones

2009-01-19T18:41:00.003-05:00

"The only difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them."

I think that sometimes, we as people, see everything in our lives going 'right', things could never be better, everything is picture perfect, life is good and we develop this mentality that this perfection is eternal... that we are some how divinely worthy of greatness. When life is going right we tend to think that the warm feeling of everything going right is going to last forever. And then... out of the blue... totally unexpected, things come to an end and we are forced to accept that sometimes there really is NO MORE things. Whether it is something as catastrophic as never another day with the mother that raised you or something as small as the dead batteries in your automatic fish (seems random but has particular significance in my life currently) sometimes good things come to an end, sometimes bad things come to an end, and regardless there is going to be some degree of grieving that happens. Being only human, I understand this concept but I don't always know why things happen the way they do and that's a tough cookie to swallow. That is probably a good thing because looking at my life in review... if I always knew exactly what was going to happen I would have never known pain, never known joy, never known what it was like to truly love, and without all these things I would not have had the chance to grow. Every time I recognize that there is NO MORE of something in my life I use it as a learning experience. Learning to do what I most dread... deal. I hate facing a situation head on and accepting the authenticity of it. I like to shut everyone out and live in my little world and cope little by little until I have dealt with something completely, usually, far too late. I am working on that though. I am on an incredible journey of learning to turn my stumbling blocks into stepping stones. I must say, it's easier said than done, yet not impossible so I have faith. Be blessed.

Signing Off,

Shelby

REALity

2009-01-18T08:39:00.002-05:00

"We accept the reality of the world with which we're presented." -The Truman Show

First off, if you have never seen The Truman Show it is a fascinating movie that consists of challenging the reality of the boundaries set by circumstances... putting emphasis on REALity. I watched it today and it added to the pool of philosophical ideas that have flooded my ordinary mind lately. I have come to understand that we base what we accept as 'normal', what we find logically 'acceptable', and the things we believe as true and false based on the reality we have been presented. Simply put, if a child is raised in a home where negative feedback is the only form of stimulation and 'You will never succeed' is a popular phrase that child will learn to accept the only reality they have ever known and believe it to be true. Failure becomes inevitable. If a little girl is raised in a home with a father that picks and chooses when to be a part of her life she will learn to accept the reality presented to her and naturally choose a partner following suit. If society discourages a belief in life on other planets, the idea of Atlantis, and the credibility of Paranormal activity then the society conforms to this reality. If social stereotypes encourage that only beautiful people are worthy, farewell to the 'uglies'. It's simple, right? But what happens when we step outside our reality? What happens when we leave behind all the so-called truths we have been given and explore a new realm of ideas? A realm where the possibilities are endless? I like this realm of reality far more than the one to which I have been exposed. Just because something is intangible does that mean it isn't real? I cannot touch the creatures in the distant galaxies but does that make them any less real than the God, which I have also never touched, I have faith in? No. Reality says that a fifty year veteran doctor with a PhD. in Biochemical Engineering knows far more than a five year girl. But perhaps that same five year old girl knows far more about the world around because she sees it through open eyes not yet clouded by reality. It gives a whole new meaning to ignorance is bliss... when you know so little, the possibilities are endless. That has a hopeful ring to it. I accept the reality that I, in actuality, know very little about the galaxy around me, I am a mere grain of sand in this vast ocean of possibility, tossed and turned by the waves of thought, basking in the rays of ignorance, questioning every chirp, every crashing wave, every laughing child, because to me, it is all new. And that is a beautiful place to be... the whole world is mine. Think about it. Challenge your reality. Don't accept something just because it is 'normal'. Don't just step outside the box... become the box. See the world through the box's eyes. You just might be surprised, the possibilities are endless. Be Blessed.

Signing Off,

Shelby

Full Circle

2009-01-09T21:11:00.004-05:00

Tonight, January 9th, 2009 I have come full circle with a horrific part of my life I never want to revisit. I have made peace with the part of me that died and mustered the courage to tell those who love me the fateful three words so difficult to profess, "You were right." One year ago from this moment I was a different person, a gullible, young girl, with a heart to help but many mistakes, trails, tribulations, and one earth shattering experience later, I have grown to understand the evil ways of the devil. I have learned that cracking the door to a life of sin can lead to a full blown heart of evil. And sometimes it’s okay to be selfish and put you first. Had I been ‘selfish’ and not so naive I could have protected myself from so much. But, we’re all young and reckless and think those who love us more than life itself are the enemy and those who would not know our best interest if it bit them in the face become the altar upon which we sacrifice our morals, values, heart, and soul. I cannot help but wonder if that night, that month, that time, that part of my life I can never get back would have been different if I had listened. If I had listened to my mother when she said I was making a big mistake. If I had listened to my father when he said not to go. If I had listened to my brother when he said I was worth so much more. The what if’s pile higher and higher with every passing second. Sometimes I wish I could go back. I wish I could have back that part of me that died. I wish I would not have been so stupid and above all I wish I would have listened to those who love me. But the reality is, I didn’t listen. I was convinced in my little sixteen year old head that I knew everything and everyone else was wrong—I was right. Boy was I wrong. I didn’t listen and it nearly killed me. There is no going back in time I have to face the reality: I didn’t listen. And with that being said I would be a fool to be sitting here one year later unchanged but, praise the Lord, I learned from my mistakes. I learned to trust those I love. I learned that I don’t know everything. I learned who to trust and who not to trust and sometimes that means missing out on “the good ‘ol times” and “the best years of my life” but I’m okay with that. I am alive and well and in a good state of mind because I made a huge mistake, I suffered through the hell associated, and learned from the consequences. As much as I look back on that time in my life with hatred and remorse I am thankful for the lesson. I am thankful that I grew as a person, as a daughter, as a friend, as a daughter of the King. I learned to cope, to love, to live, to laugh, and to be thankful for the people who love me the most and loved me through the death of my gullible, young heart. I am also so sorry for those who had to watch me transform from a little girl to a grown woman because of one life experience, one wrong choice. Thank you for standing by me even when I thought you were the enemy. I understand, tonight, how hard it is to watch someone you love more than life itself slip from your hands and there is nothing you can do. To her, right now, I am the enemy.

To her…I know you probably will never read this but for the record I love you so much. You know you are my other half and I trust you with everything and I know you feel the same. So, I’m asking you to trust me on this one. Trust that I love you, trust that I have your best interest at hand, trust that I have made this same mistake, trust that I pay for it every day of my life, trust me I pay for it every time I walk to my lunch table and the biggest mistake of my life is staring me in the eyes, trust me when I say I know. Trust me when I say, December 17th, 2007 a part of me died. A part of me I can never get back. Trust me when I say, I am human, I do cry, and I’m not your mother. (All things… you think the opposite!!). Trust me when I say, I cried all night tonight. Trust me when I say, I KNOW you don’t understand why I do these things and why I say these things and why I won’t let you use my phone and why I called your mom but when you come full circle you’ll understand. Trust me when I say, if I had a best friend who had been through the same thing, who cared enough about me, who just wanted to save me from a major heartache, maybe things would have been different for me. Trust me when I say, this isn’t right for you and as amazing as it seems right now, it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Trust me when I say, it’s killing me to watch you go through this because I’ve been there. Trust me when I say your mom is right just like my mom was and she is not the enemy, I promise, she just sees the bigger picture. And trust me when I say, your dad isn’t being unfair, he’s protecting you… just like my dad was. Trust me when I say, you’re being ridiculous for not listening to us. Trust me when I say you are just like me and as many times as I’ve come to you for advice this time it’s my turn to be the big sister. Trust me when I say, I’ve always been here for you, I’m here for you tonight, and I’ll still be here when you figure out your mistakes yourself. Because trust me when I say, you’re not going to trust me on any of this but I still love you more than words can say. So, as much as it kills me to say this, I cannot stand around and watch my best friend self destruct. But I’ll always be here to pick you up when you fall, to wipe your eyes when you can’t see because the tears won’t stop coming, and to hold you when you’re heart-broken. But I have been in your shoes and it isn’t anywhere I want to go back. So for now, I am merely a spectator, these is nothing I can do, I have said all I can, and my faith is in God. I pray that you will make it through this a stronger person. I love you. Be blessed.

Signing Off,
Shelby

A New Beginning

2008-12-29T14:54:00.005-05:00

Well as the time comes to bid farewell to 2008 and usher in 2009 I am lost in reflection and anticipation. Thinking about my year in review it is safe to say that I am so blessed beyond belief and so thankful to be alive. January... Last New Years we had everyone at our house for a celebration. All the kids brought sleeping bags and blankets and we slept where there was an open spot be it a floor, a mattress, a couch, or what not. We played games, laughed, laughed some more, we kissed as the ball dropped, we cried as we changed the calendar, and we loved like the end of 2007 was the end of time. I have never seen my parents happier than when all their children are together! Ps... Mom turned the big four five!!! February... February was a month of learning for me personally. I certainly lived, learned, crashed, and burned, oh yeah... and turned sweet sixteen in the process! I also got the best birthday present in the world his name is Caleb Aaron! He joined our family on February 22nd, almost my birthday exactly! I just cannot believe how old he is getting and how much his beautiful mommy Emily amazes me! She is truly my hero! March came and went far too quickly. Malin came over from Sweden and we had an amazing visit. I had a big birthday celebration and it was wonderful to have all my family around! March is always a hard month for our family especially this year as it marked 9 years since my Uncle Eric's death. May he rest in peace with our Savior. I cannot believe how quickly time passes. My youngest cousin Matthew turned ten. His eyes are so blue and they exude innocents and beauty. I cannot wait to hug him one day. April started out as usual... rainy in Florida and getting back up to the usual 90 degree days. Cheerleading tryouts ended and I made it! I found my new passion! However, towards the end of the month I got very sick. I thought it was just a little head cold so I carried on and tried to fight it. May was the most surreal month of my life. I spent all month in and out of doctor's offices and ended the month in the hospital and on bed rest. I was a very sick little girl. The worst day of my life was when the neurologist looked my mom in the eye and said, "She needs to lay in bed for three months... she cannot sneeze, or hiccup, or anything or she could die." The look on her face killed me. My dad sat down on his bed and cried. That's a sight I never want to see again. I remember laying in my hospital bed one night writing letters to my family members, to my brother on his graduation day, his wedding day, to my future nieces and nephews, to Cassie, his love, to my parent's on their anniversaries, to my God Parents, and to my God sister, Sydney, and to my God brother Dalen.... on their birthdays, their first days of school, and so on. Then it hit me... one day they wouldn't understand the cards anymore. They wouldn't remember my face, my voice, my name. In years, everyone would forget the cards and my legacy would fade in time. At that time I prayed like I have never prayed before and asked God to heal me and let me get through my illness. I wasn't afraid of death... I was afraid of unlived life, the family I would leave behind, the firsts I would have missed, the people I would never have had he chance to love, the leaves I would not have seen change, the books I never would have read, the places I never would have seen. I'm alive and well. I know understand, the true tragedy of life is not that it's over too quickly rather we wait so long to truly begin living. May, I believe in miracles. June.... It took sometime but life slowly got back to normal. I began stay awake more hours than I slept. The summer started and I started my usual job at the theater teaching four classes a day to fourth through eighth graders. As exhausting as it sounds, it is truly a blessing to be with them! I am always amazed by children they have so much to offer! This month I also fell in love with John and Kate Plus Eight.... and decided I want six kids! Surprisingly, six months later, I'm still just fine with the idea of having six kids. I also started praying for my future husband's sanity! Haha. July, I spent my summer like most Florida teenagers do... On the boat, at the beach, down by the river, by the docks... you catch my drift? Fourth of July we went out on the boat to the Sandbar in the Banana River with my God Family... it was amazing. I absolutely love being with my family! July was a nice relaxing month following the drama of May and really prepared me for the new school year... which brings me to August! As we were preparing to go back to school we got to wonderful surprises... Aunt CoCo and Tayler showed up! And do did Hurricane Fay... I think that was the one! Honestly, it wasn't much of a hurricane but the flooding was bad enough to cancel school and we spent and AMAZING week with them shopping at Ron Jons, going to the beach, hanging by the pool, and loving every minute of it all! It was an incredible way to start the school year. Tayler Marie, that girl is beautiful! Her spirit is so gentle and loving. I forget that she is only eight (well, nine now... but that's later!) she is so mature and so sweet. I cannot wait to visit her... maybe one day, when it isn't so cold in Illinois! September... Football season started and I said goodbye to my social life! Between school, cheerleading, and family... I stayed extremely busy! September was not a very exciting month. Nothing spectacular to report... so I guess it was a good month! October... Nickolas Adam turned twenty years old. I still cannot believe that. I am so shocked! He's an old man now! Next year, I guess we'll have to get him a walker! Ben also came over from Germany to help us celebrate! We all had so much fun together. We had family pictures taken in our Gator shirts! It sure is good to be a gator! November... We celebrated one amazing year since Cassie joined our family. I am so blessed to have her as my sister-in-law-t0-be. I could never imagine anyone more perfect for my brother. She puts up with him and all his quirks... Lord bless her! Twilight fever also cloaked the world! Cass bought the books for her and Nick and of course they saw the movie. I had every intention of reading them as well but time passes me by so quickly. But hey, I have all of 2009 ahead of me! We had our annual Astronaut/Titusville football game... we won yet again! It was an amazing game to cheer and watch! Spectacular. Ahh, December... the most wonderful time of year. My dad finally got to go to California... I thought he was never coming back! Ha... He flew out for a few weeks to bring home his 'bird'! He got home just in time for his 49th birthday!!!!!!!!!!!! That's right.... 2009 holds a big whopping 50 for him, that's for sure! Dalen Thomas turned five years old. I am still in disbelief. And Ms. Sydney "Mini Me" turned two. Where does the time go? We had an amazing Christmas with Mamaw and Papaw. It was small and quiet but I would not have it any other way. I just love that feeling of having everyone around. Well, tomorrow I am going to Sea World to sum up the year! We are having everyone at our house again this year for the big ball drop... and I am back where I started! Now for my New Years Resolutions...

1.) Don't take life so seriously. No one gets out alive anyway!

2.) Take time everyday to enjoy the little things.

3.) Work more on The Bucket List.

4.) Try something new and crazy.

5.) Stop being afraid and let yourself go. (That's a personal one... it makes sense to me!)

6.) Stop being so much of a people pleaser... but be real.

7.) Learn to deal.

8.) Take some of your own advice. You're smarter than you think.

9.) Trust that everything happens for a reason.

10.)Learn from your past... it got you where you are and it's paving the road to where you'll go

Signing Off,

Shelby

<3

2008-12-23T11:37:00.002-05:00

I am no one special… Just a common man with common

thoughts. There are no monuments dedicated to me and

my name will soon be forgotten.

But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously

as anyone who ever lived. I’ve loved another with all my

heart and soul and for me that has always been enough.
If I can do this and be loved in return my life

will be filled with peaceful contentment.
The Notebook

Recipe For Success

2008-12-18T16:59:00.003-05:00

"No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." -Samuel Beckett

I have been analyzing the true meaning of success in my private thoughts lately. What constitutes success? Is it the Blood Red Ferrari pulling up in front of the city buildings so high their concrete souls mesh with the edge of the atmosphere abolishing any connection to humanity? Is it the well groomed man wearing a sleek Prada suit, tailored flawlessly to his seemingly perfect physique, that steps out of it? Is it the nine to five job that engulfs his soul and the worries associated that remain with him long after five has passed? Is it the pay check with more zeros than most blue collies will see in a life time? These things are the calling card of Forbes Magazine and some might even say wonderful but is this truly success in its purist form? I believe success is better defined as the high school math teacher who encouraged one girl to over come her circumstances and recognize her potential. She graduated. I believe success is the young girl who gets caught up in the wrong guy because she is determined to save his life. He lived another day. Success is the teenage mother overcoming every ridicule and facing every condemning glance with the grace of God. Her son is thriving. Success is the scarf around the head of the woman beating all odds to survive cancer. Her four children still have a mother. Success glimmers in the eye of the young man who gave up his scholarship to become a man in nine months make his "little mistake" right. That "little mistake" is in Medical School. We, as a people, all too often romanticize the idea of success and associate it with lavish houses, expensive cars, and beautiful people. When in reality success is in the faces of the people we pass on the street.

Recipe For Success:
One part critique, one part "try again" attitude, two parts realistic expectations, a dash of hope, a sprinkle of grace, mix thoroughly with God, let rise, bake 350 degrees for eternity. Serve others and enjoy. NOTE: Will spoil if mixed with romanticism, Hollywood, worldly possessions, etc.

Signing Off,
Shelby

Busy Days and Cold Showers

2008-12-03T19:01:00.003-05:00

"Where ever you go and what ever you do... do it with all your heart, all your mind, and all your soul. Leave no person unloved, no lesson unlearned, and no glory held back from your Creator. Only then will you know the true meaning of contentment."

My goodness, I cannot believe I turned my calendar to December. Where did the year go? It passed me by so quickly. I have been extremely busy these past few weeks. Actually, this evening is the first down time I have had in awhile and I cannot believe I'm already ready for bed! I'm finding myself so rushed that I don't have time to stop. Yesterday afternoon it hit me just how exhausted I am... I had practice from 3:30-5:30, then I committed to working the concession stand at the basketball game from 6:00-7:00, then I had warm up from 7:00-7:30, and a basketball game from 7:30-9:30ish. Addition to my school day which starts at 7:15 and is completely full of meetings, classes, organizing this, being on time for that, and blah blah blah. Gasp, but God knows, I would not have it ANY other way. I love staying so busy my head is spinning. I can't function when I have time on my hands... I'm useless. I accomplish zilch. Now that I have spilled all that I have to confess... I find plenty of time to think (and breathe... if you were wondering!). I do my thinking and reflecting in the strangest of times like driving in the car, for instance, when I'm not doing much else but minding the speed limit and watching the traffic... I sneak in some time with God, some prayer, and some time to myself. Or in the line at the grocery store when I am alone, or my favorite... in the shower! Which is where my anecdotal story for the day comes from, ironically. Yesterday, amidst all my scurrying about, I stopped by my house between practice and concession to grab a bite to eat (I despise Mickey D's) and I decided to grab a quick shower. So, I threw together a tofu sandwich, inhaled it, packed my bag, brewed my tea, and hopped in the shower. I glanced at the clock and realized I had to be back at school in fifteen minutes. I adore my hot showers but it hit me... I don't have time to let the water heat. So much to my dismay, I took a brief, yes, VERY BRIEF, cold shower. Yuck. But I made it where I needed to and... on time. Surprisingly. It was so worth it to take that cold shower though. I fulfilled my commitments, was on time, and was happy to do so. I guess warm showers are just a small sacrifice compared to the bigger picture. Be blessed... and take a cold shower week... It just might get you thinking!

Signing Off,
Shelby

Sweet Sixteen

2008-11-24T19:11:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry to my faithful readers but I have not written in some time. I am so busy with life which, I know, is no excuse for passing up the things I love but sometimes myself just gets in the way of me. As you all well know, I love to stay busy busy busy, with school, gym, cheerleading, family, friends, church, etc. and sometimes I let it all overwhelm me. It's unfortunate because on some days I find myself feeling like my life is happening and I'm up in the top of a stadium somewhere watching. I put everything else before me and I slap a big "PRIORITY" sticker on everything I do to ease my state of mind. It's getting to me. Well, I got an email today that is circulating around called Sixteen. The instructions said to list sixteen things about yourself and pass it on so people can get to know you. I decided to do it for myself. Not so anyone else can get to know me but so I can get to know myself. Sometimes I loose touch of who I am as I overwhelmed with papers to write, dances to learn, exams to study for, teachers to please, family to please, friends to please, strangers to please, blah, blah, blah... What about me? So this is simply a refresher for myself... maybe you'll learn something.

1.) I love to go for walks when it's cold.
2.) I want to get married in Greece.
3.) I don't touch pennies or nickles. (Strange, I know.)
4.) I love to write.
5.) I hate saying goodbye.
6.) I believe Tennessee is God's country.
7.) I want to own a villa in Tuscany.
8.) I want to live where the seasons ACTUALLY change.
9.) I love taking pictures.
10.) I truly believe eyes are the window to the soul.
11.) I am way too hard on myself.
12.) I don't party, drink, or go out with friends...
13.)... I have goals in life and I am going to achieve them...
14.)...plus, I'd rather be at home.
15.) I believe Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth, and the Light.
16.) I strongly believe in abstaining until marriage... it defines the essence of my youth.

Be blessed.

Signing Off,
Shelby

Dancing in the Rain

2008-11-12T17:43:00.003-05:00

"Life is not about merely surviving the storm, rather learning to dance in the rain."

It kills me and at the same time flatters me to hear people say, it must be easy for you, your life is so perfect. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am truly blessed. I have the most amazing friends, a loving family, an education, and wonderful opportunities. And I am glad I make it look easy because, honestly, some days I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to leave me house, I don't even what to smile. But it rubs me the wrong way when people say that good things just happen to me for no reason. In my opinion, life is about choices. I have made the conscious decision to be a good student, to do well in school, to be involved in as much as possible, to have a good reputation, to follow all the rules even if I don't agree with them, to hold my tongue, to get along with everyone, to be an expression of my Creator's love, etc. The same opportunities are falling out of the sky for everyone... it's just a matter of much you're willing to sacrifice to get there, how fast you're willing to run to catch them, and how much faith you have. I am blessed beyond belief and I am so incredibly pleased with my life and all the blessings I have but, goodness, I think I work pretty hard for the things I have. I am not going on because I need any credit, all the credit is to my Savior, I would be nothing without Him. But honestly, I am tired of hearing how easy my life is. It's a beautiful life and I am so thankful for it and the people that make it amazing but it's certainly not easy. It's hard work... and more than anything, it's only that way because I have learned to dance in the rain. It seems so empty and unfulfilling to me to 'stand under an umbrella' and merely survive the storm when you could be dancing in the rain. Perspective, perspective. Think about it and don't miss the little things that make life beautiful. Be blessed.

Signing Off,
Shelby

How Appealing!

2008-11-11T17:12:00.004-05:00

It's really important to me that this entry is perfect because it is not my story. The story belongs to someone else. Someone I greatly admire and revere. This someone is my Chemistry and Science Research teacher. Now, I do not admire him solely because he is a wonderful teacher with an incredible zest for the Sciences (which is true) or because he is always willing to go the extra mile to help anyone in need (which is also true) but because of the little bits of inspiration he always has waiting for me in a story. Whether it be a silly story, sugar coated in precious fatherly love (of course), about his adorable little girl or the story of how he and his beautiful wife first met or, like today, an unusual story about a dictionary he always makes me reflect on things from a different perspective. I was sitting in class this morning working on a paper when I asked Dr. Bateman how to spell "appeal" with one p or two. He gave me his prediction and for validation checked his dictionary. Upon returning the worn and faded dictionary to its 'pedestal' on his desk he called my attention to the worn back cover tearing away from the rest of the book like a slice of apple falling delicately from its core. I logically suggested he purchase a new dictionary and continued on with my paper. He stopped for a minute looking at the dictionary then asked me if I knew the story? I looked up, confused, and said no. He flipped through to the front and read me the publishing date: 1964. I could not fathom why someone would keep such an outdated dictionary for so long. I was simply thinking of all the new incredible words added to the dictionary in the past 44 years and completely disregarded the sentimental value such a common book may posses. He went on to share with me the story of his step father, Jim. He would often ask how to spell words and his step father would throw him the dictionary. After years of doing just this it was no surprise that when Dr. Bateman left for university (some time before he earned the title "Doctor" I do suppose) Jim gave him the dictionary to accompany him along the journey. He left him with the simple thought, 'I never had the opportunity to know the value of an education, you do'. Only a short time later Jim passed away in body. But in spirit, he made it through college and on to a doctorate degree. A little piece of Jim now touches lives, including mine, everyday through the wonderful son he raised. Now, not only did I cry because it was a beautiful story but it made me think about my own dad. I looked at our whole relationship differently in that moment. Maybe he pushes me in school, and in sports, and in life not to be malicious and veindictive but because he wants me to go farther than he did. Maybe he gives me these little life lessons not to irritate me but so I don't make the same mistakes he did. Though it's not typical, maybe this is the only way he knows how to show me he loves me. So, dad, if you're reading this, thank you for the life lesson. Thank you for wanting better for me than I deserve. Thank you for carring enough about me to push me to my limits. I'm starting to appreciate your 'different' ways of showing you care. I love you. And thank you Jim for making me see him this way. Though you died quite sometime before I was even a twinkle in my dad's eye... You might just have saved our relationship through a simple dictionary. Thank you.

Signing Off,
Shelby

What is Love?

2008-11-07T16:35:00.003-05:00

"...baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more!" (As suggested by Haddaway for comic effect!)

My blog is titled the greatest of these is Love but what is love? What is truly is it to be in love? I don't know because I've never been in love but of the 23 entries from Merriam Webster the most simplistic is: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion to someone or something. I know what it is like to see love on the face of a child. I work in the church nursery Sunday mornings and this morning was such a blessing. We had a little boy who was just dropped off to us by some parents who were going out of town. We knew nothing about him but his name and after a few minutes we found that he is an independent, happy, easy going, joyful child who is the ultimate expression of our Creator's devine love. Such a face is easy to love. But what does it mean to be in love? Is it the same kind of feeling you get from seeing the face of a beautiful child? Is it the same feeling as a warm cup of tea and the hot fireplace in the blistering cold? These things are all wonderful and are all love but what is it to be IN LOVE? I'm not sure...obviously; however, it is a mission in my life to discover the true meaning of love. Everyday and every breath I take is an expression of love but maybe there is another kind of love. A magical, deep, feeling of warm attachment, enthusiasm and devotion as suggested by good 'ol Merrium Webster. I see the feeling in others. I see it in Nick and Cassie, in my parents, in my grandparents, in my god parents, I am so blessed beyond belief to have so many great examples of love. But it still leaves me wondering what is love? Just the mystery of it makes me tingle inside. I am embarking on the ultimate journey to discover the greatests of these... love.

Be Careful What You Wish For

2008-11-06T17:56:00.003-05:00

I have been carrying out, for the past four months I would say, a social experiment. A little thing I like to call... Project Parking Pass. I don't often drive my self to class I usually bum a ride or what have we but lately I have been driving more. And I have been parking on campus without parking pass... to see how long I can continue without a ticket... Ohhhh! It started simply out of logic but has now, since SO much time has passed, evolved into a philosophical development of self. Now, I have done this for two reasons the first being... I never do anything wrong, I never drive without my seat belt, I always obey the dress code, I have never been late to a class, never made a 'C' in a class, always dot my i's and cross my t's, and blah, blah, blah. I am a selfandotherly proclaimed 'Good Girl'. (Did I just invent a word, I think yes!) And I wear the title with great dignity and pride as more stifled young people should liberate themselves to do. So, this is a so called 'crime' I can commit with no danger to myself or anyone else and no chance of tarnishing my well in tact reputation. I consider myself quite clever for fabricating such a simple, yet perfect, way to stick it to the man quietly. Remember speak softly... Good 'ole Teddy. I am not intending to brag or boast my bad-to-the-bone-ness or prove anything to anyone rather subtly express only enough to remind myself I have it. The second of my two reasons being purely of logic and not of philosophy... I hardly drive so paying the thirty or so dollars for a parking pass to park maybe a fourth of the school year seems useless to me. I figured I would risk it... the philosophical part of my experiment weighing more heavily on my pros and cons list, obviously. Love it. Now that I explained that....

I was sitting in my Med. Terms class today thinking about my brother and his wonderful girlfriend. They leave each other little cute notes all the time. When he used to live with me or when he comes to visit she leaves little sweet notes on his pillow for him to find when he goes to bed. Or they leave little notes in each others bags or, my favorite, car windows. I have always thought how wonderful it would be to walk out to my car and find a little note from my wonderful boyfriend. Wishful thinking on my part, obviously/unfortunately. (Good things happen in time, I know, I know.) But nevertheless, I was off in my little wonderland wishing and wishing for my special note. So, how do the stories relate?

Well... I was walking out to my car and much to my delight there was a pretty manila note tucked sweetly in my windshield. I picked it up and huge smile came across my face... I finally got my cute-sy note. I opened it slowly to soak in all the mystery behind my secret admirer. I couldn't help but smile as I read the bold red print: PARKING VIOLATION. I finally got my note alright. This is a sweet little reminder... Be careful what you wish for... you just might get it ALL.

Keep The Change

2008-11-04T20:39:00.003-05:00

I am scared, with good reason, and no shame about admitting it. The presidential campaigning, today's election, and above all the strong willed beliefs of people, both political and not, are making me very uneasy. I am an extremely political person with great debating capabilities; however, I choose not to debate or heatedly discuss political issues whenever necessary. Others do not hold hold their tongues as easily I am finding. I am a firm believer that a man's strength is ultimately proven in his ability to hold his tongue on affairs of which he posses exceedingly firm opinions. When it comes to politics, outside of safe realms, I exert this strength to the best of my ability... which is quite well in my biased opinion. My passion for politics and my passion for peace are not in homeostasis currently and I do not know how much more I can handle. I am truly at a loss for words. Friends are turning on friends. Family on hiatus from one another. And all over a difference of views? It does not all add up to me. The election is like my Olympics. Something that comes once every four year. Something I await with bells and whistles like a kid in a candy store. But honestly, I am so over the attitudes of people. There is a better way to handle it. Exert some humanity, a little respect for the opinion for others, and if that's too much to ask, practice holding your tongue, please. Instead of counting the minutes until the final announcement I am finding myself counting the minutes until peace is restored. I'll keep my peace, respect, mores, and God. You can keep the 'change'.

A Special Loan

2008-11-02T15:45:00.005-05:00

Good afternoon! No, particularly great afternoon! I always love the first day after Fall Back time change. That extra hour just gives me such hope. So, I haven't blogged much recently. I suppose that is because my brothers have been in town and I have been basking in the glory of family time! Friday afternoon I took my god-siblings to the pumpkin patch. Sydney and Dalen are absolutely the loves of my life. Their smiles and giggles and little intelligent thoughts just make me so happy. I cannot even explain it. I went and picked them up about four o'clock-ish and we three made our way to St. Andrew's Church pumpkin patch. I told the kids they could both get the biggest pumpkin they could hold. Dalen, being almost five decided to pick up every pumpkin in the patch to find the largest one he could hold. He finally settled on a perfectly round four or so pound pumpkin. I took little Sydney to the tiny pumpkins and unlike her older brother she settled for the first perfect one she saw. It was a little tiny perfectly circular bright orange little pumpkin. It was funny to me how their personalities matched their pumpkins perfectly. Dalen is meticulous and thoughtful. He thinks things through, always wants to know how and why, and likes to have a plan. He like things to happen just so. Sydney is spontaneous and energetic. She takes life as it comes and smiles though it... most of the time! It takes a perfect balance of both kinds to make life beautiful. I hadn't seen them in a month because of my own business... the worst excuse I've ever heard. But needless to say, when I let this kind of time pass by it seems like the kids grow considerably over a short period of time. It reminds me that the people in our lives are only on loan and not ours to keep. Our lives are not our own. We simply borrowed these days on earth from a Greater Being. The people we meet, the faces we see, the love we give away is not our own. In the blink of an eye these things can be gone. Cherish every borrowed moment as quickly as it comes, it goes. Be blessed.

Signing Off,
Shelby

Life is like... a deck of cards?

2008-10-29T19:24:00.002-04:00

Life, to me, has always been similar to a deck of cards. Something as low as a Joker is living amongst influential and potent Kings and Queens. It’s amazing to me that a card so minuscule in value and so seemingly meaningless dwells in the same box as such high and lofty cards. Fanning out the deck one finds cards of various suits and various colors. No two identical yet there are so many different ways to group them. The reds together, the spades together, the sevens together, a full house. The list continues. So many different games can be played with a single deck of cards but a standard deck never comes with directions. You shuffle, whether the cards land in your favor or not is in the hands of fate, you just have to deal. Be blessed.

Signing Off,
Shelby

Bubble bath, Hot Tea, and Sweet Potatoes

2008-10-28T19:09:00.005-04:00

A generally don't like to blog without a specific cause or story but today I have nothing, yet so much. It just seems today as though love is pouring from the changing leaves, peace is blowing in the cold autumn air, and hope is on every face I come across today. God is truly amazing and truly everywhere. His fingerprints are on everything and I am seeing them so clearly today. No specific thing today but life is so beautiful. I decided to have a relaxing afternoon all to myself. So after I dropped my brother off at soccer practice I took a little trip to the Public Library for some books I've been wanting to read. I had great success finding both The Reluctant Tuscan and The Memory Keeper's Daughter. I was also gazing through my make shift library at home (a collection of books, mostly science books Nick ordered some time ago and, of course, old AP books) and I found a splendid book I am oh so thrilled to read. It's titled God and The New Physics. Doesn't the title sound so intriguing? Well, if you're me and two of your passions are God and learning (especially Science-y stuff) this book is the good stuff. I am sure many-a-great blogs will emerge from my perceptions and inspirations. I am also reading Along Way Gone; however, I am taking long pauses between chapters because it is such an emotional book. It's a memoir about a boy solider in Sierra Leon of only thirteen years. It's so touching but his vivid descriptions of a war devastated country and people with broken spirits kills my heart. I love to read though. I just wish I could have the winter months to sit and read. November, December, and January should be spent wrapped in a flannel blanket, by the fire place, with the windows cracked so the smell of winter is faint, a cup of piping hot tea, and a multitude of good books. Ahhh... I just reread that and it sounds AMAZING. I think I'll read it a few more times before I continue. I have also been getting lost in my Medical Terminology book for school. I find it so fascinating. It's like another language and I just love it. Last night I laid in bed and read it among a few chapters here and there of other books but I'm finding my speaking Italian is giving me a great advantage to learning Medical Terminology. Italian, being a [heavily] Latin based language, uses many of the same prefixes and suffexis. For instance, male (being bad in Italian) and mal (being bad in Latin). Well, to conclude my wonderful afternoon I am going to run a nice hot bath, make a cup of tea, and enjoy a sweet potatoe with my mom. I do hope you have a most wonderful relaxing evening as well. Be blessed.

Signing off,
Shelby

Stick It To The Man

2008-10-24T23:06:00.006-04:00

"Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far." -Theodor Roosevelt

I have been thinking a lot about this quote which, previous to being popularized by President Theodor Roosevelt, was a West African proverb. He used it in relation to his opposition to the Monroe Doctrine, European action in the west, and foreign policy in the time period; however, I do not personally believe this is the intended interpretation of the proverb. It does, though, suit Roosevelt's stand most excellently. But for some time now I have been picking apart the quote in my head searching for the deeper, but not hidden, meaning. Here, if you are interested, is my thought by thought analysis.

Speak, referring not only to verbal communication but also to actions taken in an array of situations. Pertaining to the way in which one portrays himself or is viewed by others.

Softly, meekly, calmly, stoically, no necessarily quietly but with gentle intent. Not sardonically or to purposely cause disruption but sometimes unintentionally doing just that.

Big stick, valid evidence. Proof. The pudding. You know.

In essence, be quick to listen and slow to speak. Think things through and ALWAYS stay armed with proof. Tell no lies. Have evidence. Stoicism is far more recognized than flamboyancy. When quite people speak a hush must fall upon the crowd in order for them to be heard. The comments are far more rare than those who offer an opinion at the drop of a hat so the masses are more likely to listen. It's a possibility that a stoic is a more successful leader than one who has many opinions and set in his ways. Speak softly and you'll make a far louder statement when you STICK it to the man. Be blessed.

Signing Off,
Shelby

Beauty in the fall...

2008-10-24T07:44:00.004-04:00

"I believe people need other people, that we are not meant to walk through life alone." -TWLOHA

To be completely honest I am most probably going to go a little blog crazy today and post a few things. This post should actually be back dated to Friday because it has been sitting in my draft box for three days now. I have written, edited, deleted, and rewritten. Saved, posted, unposted, and reposted. There is a message I am trying to convey, undoubtedly, but every time I try to write it's just words on a screen. I have been waiting for the inspiration to come and, thank you Lord, it's here. Sundays are inspiring for what ever reason. I think it has to do with the closeness to God Sundays bring above all other days. Anywho, to my story...

Friday it was black outside when I woke up. This is not an unusual occurrence since I wake up verrrrrrry early. But it was dark because a large storm was dumping buckets of rain from a gloomy sky. I proceeded to get ready and left my house around seven as usual. Normally I pull out and the sun is blinding me in my rear view mirror but Friday morning this was certainly not the case. I was taking all the normal back roads that I take everyday of my life. On one corner of the little neighborhood (the same one where I saw the little girl) there stands a boy every morning. He's about 11 or 12 I would estimate. He's a well dressed black boy with a black back pack. He usually wears a baseball cap of some sort. I pass him, on most days, around 7:15... Lord willing I've gotten out of the house on time. And every morning he sees me coming and I can count on a smile, a nod, or a wave, some times all three. Friday morning I was not expecting to see him on the corner because it was pouring! The rain was so heavy I was driving 5mph as a precaution even with my windshield wipers on full blast. I was paying attention to the road and paying no mind to anything else when I happened to see a white speak to my right. I slowed down and squinted to see my friend on the corner. He was dressed in a black jacket with a black baseball cap on and all I could see was his beautiful white smile. He was standing on the corner waving to me through the sheets of rain... I don't know why he stands on the corner the most locical reason, I think, is he waits daily for a ride; however, I have convinced myself he's a reminder from God that we were not meant to live alone. We need to help eachother to see the simple things we miss when we focus on the bigger picture. He's my gentle reminder to always look for the beauty in the fall.

Signing Off,
Shelby

2008-10-22T21:08:00.003-04:00

People change so that you can learn to let go,

things go wrong so that you appreciate them
when they go right,
you believe lies so you eventually learn
to trust no one but yourself,
and somethings good things fall apart
so that better things can fall together.

99 Balloons and A Forever Legacy

2008-10-21T19:33:00.004-04:00

"Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is none upon this earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and soul and spirit forever." - Psalms 73:25-26

http://www.ignitermedia.com/products/iv/singles/570/99-Balloons

This link was sent to me just as I was sitting down to blog tonight. You have to watch it to understand the irony of this entry. The whole day the Lord has been speaking to me about my legacy. He's just been inspiring me lately to better myself in the image of Him and others not because of a reputation or any worldly nonsense but because He is encouraging me to leave a story of Him when I'm gone. What is a legacy? Webster's Dictionary describes it at something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past. God defines it as the story our lives write not necessarily through words or through actions but sometimes, like in Eliot's case, just simply our presence. This made me stop and think about my life story... the one God is writing thorough me. God encouraged me to make a list and attempt to accomplish everything on it daily. I challenge you to do the same. Set a few goals, a few things you want others to remember you by, and strive to achieve them everyday. Share your list with someone else. Someone who can help you to accomplish these things daily. What if you only had 99 remaining days? 99 Balloons? How would the world remember you? "Not a pulpit, not a slick presentation, but a six pound boy with Trisomy 18. God found great pleasure in taking a lowly thing in the eyes of the world and showing great Truth... how beautiful it is to watch and how quickly it is gone."

I want to be remembered as...
1.) ...someone who is easy to talk to, compassionate, and caring. Someone who takes the time to listen and share God's word.
2.) ...someone who uses God's gifts to help other people.
3.)...someone who is gentle and speaks softly but is EASY to hear and understand.
4.)...someone who is patient.
5.)...someone who is a living expression of the miracles God can do.
6.)...someone who is free spirited and never misses the opportunity to laugh... even if it's at herself!
7.)...above all, someone who loves without limit, loves freely, and loves with the heart of Jesus. Someone who IS love.

In memory of Eliot Mooney, 99 Balloons and A Forever Legacy!

Signing Off,
Shelby

The Man On The Hill

2008-10-18T19:36:00.002-04:00

Today I am moderately under the weather. Nothing to write home about just a minor stomach ache. No big deal, nevertheless, I will not pass up the opportunity to lounge around and read for hours. It was the perfect Fall day... well, Florida "fall" day I suppose. A light nip in the air, family all around, and the smell of home cooked food. You cannot beat that with a stick. I spent the day taking cat naps and reading some books... a few hours sleeping a few hours reading. I left my bed only a few times for social purposes but the comfort of my cozy blanket was never far from reach. I love days like this when I have no responsibilities and for such a young girl, it's surprising, they are few and far far far between. Needless to say, I spent some time in reflection as I do frequently. On days like this I am often met by the man on the hill. When I was five years, old maybe a young six if I recall correctly, I went on an R.V. adventure with my grandparents to the mountains of Tennessee. We spent weeks just frolicking about from city to city and campground to campground never with an exact schedule but always with a heart eager for adventure. This is a time in my life I recollect with great joy and hold very near to my heart; nevertheless, one memory sticks out boldly from all the rest. And that is the man on the hill. I remember one day driving in our 'little red car', as the family called it, through farm land and over many hills. My grandfather worked tediously to build my anticipation of arriving at the man on the hill's house. He told me he lived in a large house, with a long winding driveway, a top a beautiful green hill. We arrived, after a journey of twenty or so minutes which to my young mind seemed to be hours, to the base of a hill with a gate. The gate opened and we journeyed fourth. My imagination was drifting uncontrollably in anticipation of what was to come. We finally reached the end of the driveway and were greeted by a mysterious man of great stature. He was elderly but stood very erect with a commanding presence. He walked with a cane and a slightly limp which he masked well. He ushered us into his enormous house and we neared a room. Inside the room he sat in a chair in front of a window. The blinds were drawn and the chair was deep red leather contrasting the thick forest green carpet. The room was a library with books on shelves from the floor to the top on the high ceiling. The man spoke with my grandfather as I marveled in amazement at the books and the shadow they cast about the room. The man wore glasses which I vividly remember but for the life of me I cannot recall his face. All I can remember is the mystery behind him. He was missing his first finger on his left hand. This minute detail immediately caught my attention. The scenario in its entirety is a blur but these details stick out in my mind vividly even to this day. I have recalled these memories to my grandparents and family time and time again throughout the years but to this day no name has found its way to the man on the hill. Nevertheless, I am frequently taken back to that place in time an obviously strange and mysterious memory. But why? Does the man on the hill exist? Did I ever really visit him? Am I remembering something that never even occurred? Did my young mind create the man on the hill for some unknown reason? I don't know. But perhaps one day answers will find me. Perhaps one day we'll meet again but until then the man on the hill meets me only in my mind. Be Blessed.

Signing Off,

Sunglasses, Cars, and Backpacks

2008-10-15T17:39:00.004-04:00

"All those people going someone where. Why have I never cared? Give me your eyes for just one second give me your eyes so I can see everything I've been missing. Give me your love for humanity. Give me your arms for the broken hearted those far beyond my reach. Give me your heart for the ones forgotten." -Brandon Heath

Today I was driving home from a brutal but much needed and very stress relieving workout. I drive the same way the same time everyday... through the back of a little neighborhood then out onto the main street. I was coming around the corner today enjoying the little things as usual when I saw an elderly woman pushing a stroller. In the stroller was a little girl being two years old, maybe three at most. She was seated in the stroller with Minnie Mouse sunglasses to shield her delicate eyes from the sun-- and the world, perhaps? Wouldn't that be a blessing? Sunglasses that save us from the world, from pain, suffering? Diseased humanity? Despair, poverty, and standardized testing? With the last being a joke, obviously. In her right hand was a balloon flying high above her head seeing things of which her young mind is incapable of comprehending. The cars passing by are beautiful moving colors to her. To me, cars passing by are polluting our air, killing our economy, a home to those who have known great struggles, a worldly possession on which I have become dependent, there is so much more to a vehicle than transportation but to her, an innocent child, not yet branded by the world, a car is a simple beautiful object with little or no meaning. Perhaps something she associates with visits to see grandma, her portal to the outside world, the beginning of all great adventures, a car is a glorious thing to the little girl. She had a pink backpack in her lap probably full of nothing but wonder and 'I'm a big girl' moments. I thought about my pink backpack and its contents. Worries about Exams, state tests, friends, life, my walk with the Lord, family, balancing time, priorities in life, am I giving enough here? Am I loving enough there? Did I study enough for that? Did I let Christ shine through me today? Did I smile enough? Love enough? Share enough? Laugh enough? But that little Minnie Mouse princess doesn't have any of those worries. I find it so amazing that we serve a God who will take those burdens and take those worries and leave our back packs with joy and relief and 'I'm a big girl' moments. She is so innocent, so beautiful, untouched, and knows so little about the world yet she is far more wise than I. She knows life is a beautiful thing-- simple and worry free. She knows that. She does. What a beautiful things to know. Today I had a big standardized test on which two of my scholarships are dependent, tomorrow and Friday I have big exams, my plate is full but I know, life is a beautiful thing-- simple and worry free! Amen. There is so much to be learned from children. Knowledge, the most vital component for carrying on our species is killing our souls. I have decided to be a kid again... to know absolutely nothing about the world and marvel at the glory of simplicity. I challenge you to do the same. Empty your backpack in the presence of the Lord and don your SON-glasses... don't miss the little things and, of course, the little people. They are the most beautiful. Be blessed.

Signing Off,
Shelby

White Lines & Red Lights

2008-10-13T21:23:00.003-04:00

Tonight I was driving home from my Small Group Bible Study and I moved into the left turn lane turning into my neighborhood. Straight across the desolate intersection was a car also in the left turn lane. We sat only car lengths from each other. In the dark. In the silence. Nothing separating us but a red light and the honor system and it reminded me of our Savior's love. I know, it is so typically me, be it a blessing or a curse, that, is ultimately your decision, to see the glory of God in even the smallest things. It occurred to me that God meets us exactly where we are. Just like that stopped car. In the darkness of sin and fleshly desires. In the silence of despair and agony. Nothing separating us but a simple cry for help. And so often I find myself to prideful or, my personal favorite, 'too busy' to cry out to the Lord for help well knowing He will meet me EXACTLY where I am in my life. All I have to do is surrender to Him and cry out for His grace and His mercy and it will meet me right there at my intersection of life in the left turn lane. Ever too often I fail to recognize the Lord in the car across from me. My pride and schedule take priority and I decide, 'I can do it all on my own.' Boy, oh boy, if that is not a misconception I don't know what is. So in the silence of my car I allowed that stop light to make manifest the glory of God and witness to my heart. In return, I swallowed my pride and surrendered to God yet again. After all, the only thing separating me from Him is a red light and a simple prayer. Be blessed.

Signing Off,
Shelby

2008-10-11T21:12:00.002-04:00

Every woman should...

Know how to use a stick shift; a plunger;
understand the difference between don't tell a soul
and don't tell a soul I mean it;
know her mind; change it;
have protection handy; but not too handy;
use special china;
and special underwear;
for no special reason;
over commit; come through;
refuse to do it again; do it again;
be able to discuss "First and Ten";
have better things to do;
set boundaries; go camping; grow something;
dance crazy all alone; stare at a phone;
get dressed in five minutes;
be a princess; get over it;
believe in the perfect man;
get over it;
read; walk; flirt; shock; listen; sing;
thank God;
be single and like it;
a lot; raise a child; or not;
see a wrinkle and be reminded of her youth;
not her age.

Pay It Forward

2008-10-07T19:28:00.005-04:00

"I guess it's hard for people who are so used to things the way they are - even if they're bad - to change. 'Cause they kind of give up. And when they do, everybody kind of loses." -Haley Joel Osment as Trevor McKenney in Pay It Forward

Today I have began a grandiose adventure to discover the true meaning of "Paying It Forward". The first time I saw the film Pay It Forward I was maybe eight years old. I did not completely grasp the depths of the concept but nevertheless I was thrilled and empowered to start my own chain of good doings. Since that occasion I have seen the film multiple times and every time I am just as overwhelmed and inspired to conquer the world. Needless to say, I was tickled beyond all human measure today when I received a bracelet in plastic packaging. The bracelet reads PAY IT FORWARD in bold purple coloring. It came enclosed in directions reading: 'The bracelet on your wrist will be a good reminder to help someone out, make their day, and put a smile on the face of a stranger. When you receive a "thank you" for whatever it is you have done, just remove the bracelet and ask that person to Pay It Forward. Encourage that person to wear the bracelet and do the same for someone else.' What a concept. Not only does this small piece of malleable plastic on my wrist raise my awareness of carrying out good deeds but it also sparks curiosity in others. When someone sees such a peculiar statement as, 'pay it forward' on someone's arm you can only imagine the questions asked. Of course, I will be eager to explain and pass along the message. What a blessing these bracelets are?! I am beyond excited to share the joy of the Lord with others. This is such a great opportunity to spread the Word and the Light of Jesus. I truly believe my mission field just a grew a smidgen smaller. Now, I encourage you without a bracelet but with the heart of God to embrace the world, see the beauty in the small things, and share that beauty without limits. I think you'll find you get far more joy out of giving than receiving but you won't know unless you pay it forward! Be blessed.

Signing Off,
Shelby

Drawing Couches

2008-10-05T17:22:00.006-04:00

This morning in my research lab I accomplished many-a-things none of which resembled Science Research. Nevertheless, I experienced an hour of utter contentment. My professor and some fellow students felt it far more fulfilling to partake in a few relaxing rounds of Rummy. Of course, I could never willingly deny myself the satisfaction of auditing the splendid event. A few rounds into the game one of the guys made a comment about how monotonous and unsatisfactory he found drawing couches day after day for a living. Upon hearing this comment I was obviously in moderate disarray and dare I say, slight confusion. I still am unsure as to how and/or why the idea of drawing couches played into Rummy in the Research Lab. And throughout the day, I tried to fathom the hidden meaning behind the statement. I know it was just a statement that has no bearing on my life and probably will die in my mind after this night. But I must admit that as the day progressed I was drawn back to idea of drawing couches. Honestly, I think drawing couches for a living would be pretty relaxing. I could do without the stress of having the life of someone else in my hands. Actually, trading in medical school, residency, and a multitude of sleepless nights for a pencil, a piece of paper, and a nice Lazy Boy for inspiration sounds pretty good some days. What a relaxing career. But is relaxation and comfort truly the definition of success and fulfillment? Maybe there is something more to life than my comfort zone (which is unusually large for someone my size as is). That simple comment inspired me all throughout the day. It sounds juvenile and silly but drawing couches has shown me there is more to life it's just a matter of how much you're willing to apply yourself. Be it drawing couches or saving lives...success is measured in how much you challenge yourself not how well you stay within your limits. I guess there is a life lesson in everything... even drawing couches. You just have to find it.

Signing Off,
Shelby